To Kill the Man I Loved
by earthtosarah
Summary: WARNING: major spoilers if you haven't read shadow kiss/anything after    After killing Dimitri, learning he's alive, and Lissa saving him from his Strigoi self, Rose is haunted by reoccurring nightmares about his death.


I'm not going to scare the crap out of you by making you think this is real, so before I begin, I'm just going to say: This is a dream. It's the same dream I've been having for months. Every time it's different, but definitely the same too. Each time, it's just as scary, and each time I wake up, I'm just as terrified and heartbroken.

The Strigoi had just attacked the school, and we were up at the caves fighting. Everything happened exactly as it had the first rime, when it was _real. _At least up until the part when we were running out of the caves. We had been so close to making it out and the Strigoi took us by surprise, coming out of nowhere and attacking us. In the dream, these Strigoi didn't. Instead, they stood there, staring.

_Run. _That's what I should've done.

_Help. _That's what they wanted me to do.

Every one was looking at me, their expressions sad and longing to be alive again. They didn't show the usual cruel faces of the not quite dead, but not quite living beings. They showed the decaying faces of the ones I loved. The ones that I couldn't keep safe when they needed me most. Their silence and sincerity was like a cry for help. They just stood there, staring, silently begging for me to save them. I couldn't. I couldn't save them, and I couldn't stand their and watch them any longer.

I shut my eyes tight and ran out of the cave. I ran as fast as I could, arms pumping, heart racing. The air had a different feeling. I opened my eyes. This place I was in now, it reminded me of something. It was a foreign place I'd been.

"Back to try again, _Roza?_" That thick accent was unmistakable as it let every syllable flow effortlessly through the air. "Maybe you'll get it right this time," he said with a cruel and sarcastic smile, "Maybe this time, I'll actually _die._"

_No, _I said to myself. _Not again. _I turned to face him, and gasped.

That face. The one I'd known so well. It was so... _wrong. _It was scarred. Diagonal gashes stretched all the way over it. His skin was pale, gray actually, and thin. In the place of the loving smile I had watched form so many times, was a grimace. A cruel smirk. And then, there were the eyes. Bright red. Redder than anything I'd ever seen. His eyes showed no emotion whatsoever. Not an ounce of care was in his non-beating heart.

"You know you have to defeat me. You must _kill _me. The Rose _I_ know wouldn't give up. She'd have her opponent down in a matter of seconds. Unless she _loved_ him. Do you _love _me, Rose?" He laughed. It was so sickening, that laugh. Like chemicals eating away at you. It wasn't his laugh. It wasn't him.

"No," I said through my teeth. "You're not alive. You don't care. You're not Dimitri. You are not _real!_" I shouted, lunging towards him. He was caught off guard and tried to jump out of the way, but I knew him to well. He had trained me, after all, and I knew every move he had. My body collided with his and we fell to the ground. It was almost slow motion. Us falling. My stake thrusting into him. We hit the ground after what seemed to be an eternity. I quickly rolled away from him and jumped up, prepared to fight hand-to-hand in case I had missed, which isn't likely.

I was right, I didn't miss. I looked down at him, ready to spit in his face, but I stopped. _What have I done?_

The face I saw was not evil or scarred.

"Rose," he pleaded.

It was so sad and scared.

"Please, Rose, help me."

That was not the face of a monster. That was a dhampir.

"Rose," he said, his voice even quieter than before. He was gasping for air.

"Dimitri," I whispered as I fell to my knees and held his face. It was really him. "Oh god, no." What have I done? "Dimitri," I repeated, stroking his cheek, "please, no."

"_Roza,_" he said. This time it wasn't a taunt. He really cared now. "I... loved... you," he said, looking into my eyes, breathing so fast and he gasped for air between the syllables. "I will... always... love..." He didn't even have the strength left to say it. But I knew, he would always love me.

I watched the life leave him, as a tear fell from his eyes, and glided down his cheek. Those eyes weren't red. They were brown.

I wiped it away with my thumb. And I held the last drop of all that ever mattered in the world.

_ What have I done?_


End file.
